I know it must feel like I speak in tongues sometimes. Do you think Merrian and/or Webster were hot?  

(listed in order of appearance)

Fantastic 4/ SPOG : Salt, pepper, onion powder, garlic powder. My stepdad Brendan coined SPOG and my parents keep a small tupperware container of it next to the stove. It’s a no-fail spice blend and the basis of everything I make.

Sad Girl Lettuce Blend: Whatever lettuce/green is about to expire in your fridge. Just throw in a bowl and bam. The lettuce is sad because it’s almost moldy and you are sad because you have a chemical imbalance – serotonin where u @?

Politically Active Facebook Aunts and Uncles: Self-explanatory. They’re misformed and probably share articles written by Russian bots.

#BowlOriented: A working title for The Broke Yolk.

every. waking. moment: spoiler alert I’m just online all the time.

Bon Appetit Crush: *AUTHOR’S NOTE. CRUSH WAS CANCELED WELL BEFORE HE EVEN WAS CANCELED FOR BEING RACIST N HOMOPHOBIC. THE FOLLOWING ACCOUNT WAS WRITTEN BY A SICK WOMAN* Alex Delany is an employee at Bon Appetit magazine.  He is both my enemy and my soulmate. Mostly I’m jealous of his job. I do want to kiss him. I slid into his DMs more than once and it borderlined on creepy so I stopped. One Christmas the universe kept trying to bring us together: we were both at 30th Street Station in Philly within minutes of each other and later in the week we were both at the same random bar in Philly AT THE SAME TIME. Neither of our parents live in the actual city! This was weird and serendipitous and proof that we are Meant to BE!!! Unfortunately, he doesn’t love me back. He has a beautiful rich girlfriend who doesn’t appear to have a job but wears almost exclusively Reformation wrap dresses. I’m jealous of her too. I hope they’re happy. (no I don’t)

Favorite Foods of All Time: an evolving list

  1. bacon, egg, and american cheese on toasted english muffin
  2. cucumbers
  3. banana bread with walnuts
  4. french fries
  5. noodles
  6. i’ve never had caviar but i think it would be on here but only the incredibly expensive and best kind

College Graduate Not Yet Gainfully Employed: A sad 1.5 years of my life where I worked as a Produce Associate at the local Giant food store. I lived with my parents in suburban PA. I walked to work because I didn’t have a car. I cut up fruit and tended to the salad bar which required scooping tuna salad at 7am. I ate cinnamon crunch muffins on my break while I sat on the curb outside the store and ignored creepy advances from the mailman. He told me he wanted to take me to Greece and sometimes I think about how my life would be different if only I said, “Ok.” I made out with someone with adult braces. It was a dark time.

Giant Girl/Giant Girl 4 Life: See “College Graduate Not Yet Gainfully Employed” for context. “Giant Girl” was coined after a night out with other female Giant employees at the local bowling alley. There was some confusion with the term “Giant” in conversations referencing GNO and taking giant to mean “large” and not “grocery store.”

Domestic Partner in Crime: My friend Jenna. We were random roommates freshman year of college and have been bosom buddies ever since. She is smarter than me but I’ll never admit that. Funnier too I guess ugh. She is a good eater and will try all my recipes. She calls the microwave her “sous chef.”

Dynamic Duo: Me and Jenna when we’re pissed off and committed to having a REALLY FUN TIME OK just to prove a point.

Totally Awesome Trio: Me, Jenna and Lindsay. We’re awesome now because Lindsay is less crazy than us and is good with money.

Molly, Queen of Sauce: She requests “extra heavy” dressing at Sweetgreen AND some on the side. At Cava a few weeks ago she whispered in my ear to ask for a side of sriracha greek yogurt for her because they cut her off.

Master Sergeant of Calling the Shots: My beautiful bff who is fighting at war. She has a twin sister who is also my beautiful bff but is not fighting at war.

Meat Cooker: My sister. She cooks meat when she wants to eat a meal of “substance.”

Hummus: My Internet-friend-turned-real-friend. She’s the Pretty Friend AND the Hot Friend. Puts ketchup on avocado or something just as damning. Has nice hair.

L.I.T: How my mother says the term “lit” – like she spells it out. “You girls get L.I.T. last night at the club?”

Broken Brained: Depressed (clinically, for the most part)