The Broke Yolk

Hello friends! I’m back from the dead. I was resurrected by the drama of the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City lingerie party. So I thought hey, why not power up the old bloggeroni and drop a surprise post for my loyal listeners who have all but given up that I’ll ever write again. This one is for you guys!

I’m a tad rusty when it comes to coming up with riveting blog topics so I thought I would check if past me had any good ideas. I found a dozen draft posts but nothing especially worth revisiting, just a lot of pandemic musings and “snack” ideas that in retrospect were clear cries for help, like various chips & dips but the chip is a piece of salami. There was another where I was comparing my childhood trauma to an aversion to ricotta cheese. And one that was a blank post except for the title “Egg Boil 2019.”

With that, I will be relying on today’s brain for today, and all I have to talk about is something I’ve been feeling a little shame-y about. But I am here today to admit that I am slowly but surely making my way back to dairy.

Maybe it’s because I spent almost two weeks in Europe last month drinking cafes con leche (I know…I’m rich, cultured, beautiful). Or because it’s fall and chilly and I’ve been back on my Starbucks-style cappuccinos with 2%, but I’m just kinda over the alt-milks lately. I’m in my #DairyEra.

I’m not especially proud of it, and it feels embarrassing when the barista is like “do you want a specific type of milk?” and you have to quietly say “…no,” but what the fuck ever! I recently ate more than my allotted portion of the truffle mac n’ cheese at Duke’s and was chillin’ and I don’t think I have a lactose sensitivity, so why do I need to pay $0.85 for Oat when I can just do Cow?

EDITOR’S NOTE: Yes, I am aware that I wrote extensively about the merits of oat milk before but that was the Old Me and the New Me is a very sweet girl from the midwest (incorrect) who loves cow juice and riding tractors on the farm (never have but seems fun).

So, that’s what I’ve been doing for the last month or so. Catch me out there like Aly & AJ in that cow movie. Living. Loving. Milking.

The only thing that is making me a little hesitant to fully lean in is the obvious inevitability of becoming A Person Who Buys Real Milk. I was making a little latte moment at home today with Chobani Oat and I had a startling intrusive thought about how I should buy real milk to make my home coffees better. And I was like, “Shut up, Satan!” Being a dairy-at-the-coffee-shop kinda gal seems to be just risky enough, like sorta stealing from the Wh*le Foods hot bar by eating a bite before you pay. But buying it at the grocery???? When my roommates are getting a carton of Oatly Barista Blend for the house? And I have to special get COW for me and me alone!? Get the freak out of here! What if people think I mother a growing child who needs strong bones and teeth! Embarrassing!

As a person who predicts trends on TikTok for a living, I do see that hot girls will be drinking dairy in 2023. Maybe the hot guys will be too. My friend’s brother is hot and he apparently always has milk in the house to eat with cookies. Unclear how this will play out for the Hot Girls Who Have IBS community.

But what it really comes down to is that I don’t exactly know what the future holds for Dairy & Me. Though I’m loving the moo in the hot coffee drinks lately, drinking an iced latte and 10 ounces of milk is still scary to me. And I think that oat or almond in cereal is just fine. In terms of the environment, I believe the scientific consensus is that all are awful and we should probably just stop existing? So no real issue there.

If you know me, I’m all about living on the edge. Doing things that scare me. Like cleaning my room and killing house centipedes. So only time will tell how this plays out. But for now…pass me that white shit!