On more than one occasion my mom has purchased a birthday cake when there was no birthday.
A crazy concept maybe, to browse the grocery story bakery display for no other reason but a desire to enjoy some buttercream and sponge that evening. There’s no panic to buy candles because you’re sure you don’t have any at home (you have 17 opened packs of bday candles at home), or any strained back-and-forth with the bakery staff about balloon icing colors or how to properly spell your family member’s name. Just a normal lady deciding to buy a $10 cake that was otherwise destined to be lit and sang to, and (how did we not realize this was what we were doing before COVID???) spit on. I find beauty in that. Having birthday cake just because.
But as I sunset my 28th rotation on planet annoying, I’d like to take a moment and thank my mom for signing me up for this goofy ride. Sometimes it feels a little more like the It’s A Small World ride (aka sluggish and creepy and according to someone who lived on my floor freshman year, you can get kicked off for trying to scatter your grandma’s ashes among the doll things even though that was her dying wish), than riding one of the Harry Potter roller coasters before the park opens and having someone buy you a delicious butterbeer refreshment after, but that’s OK.
I know I joke around a lot and say disgusting things like, “I didn’t ask to be born,” WHICH I DO STILL THINK IS KINDA A FUCKED UP THING HOW WE JUST FORCE PEOPLE TO EXIST…but today I will go on the record and say, thanks ma for making my life fun and special and always worthy of a birthday cake.
Are you crying yet? JOIN THE CLUB! I’VE BEEN CRYING ALL WEEK!
Ok so let’s talk cake. Read on to find out
Why I’m Submitting a Formal Request to Make Funfetti the Official Birthday Cake Forever
If I were a host on the podcast Las Culturistas, Rule of Culture #29 would be Funfetti is THE Official Birthday Cake. How can you disagree? It’s fun, it’s flirty, it’s widely liked and widely accessible. You cannot be unhappy eating sprinkles. Unless you’re a vegan, in which case, we’ll secure vegan sprinkles. But regardless, eating a cake made of sprinkles is scientifically proven to make you a little less unhappy for 3-6 minutes (or as long as it takes you to scarf down a slice), and who am I to disagree with science??
Funfetti represents life, energy, youthfulness, and isn’t that what we want to be thinking about and celebrating as we tack on one more candle every year??
All the girls are doing it.
Christina Tosi and Milkbar made funfetti upscale (read: overpriced and fussy to make but still delicious) with their take on funfetti – Birthday Cake.
Molly Yeh made it a little more accessible for the home baker who doesn’t just have corn syrup and glucose laying around. This article from The Kitchn said Molly’s recipe for her Sprinkle Cake “was one of the lowest-effort cakes that had the highest payoff.” I haven’t tried making this one yet but I’m sold!
Pillsbury made it for $1.49 and if you can crack an egg and measure out some oil you really can’t go wrong. Even the accompanying can of icing is extremely edible.
And I, on more than one occasion, have been inclined to add some pizazz to my daily dessert, and this funfetti mug cake is a pretty solid option that comes together in less than 5 min.
Overall, I am convinced that funfetti/sprinkle/confetti cake is the premier cake for celebrations, birthdays of course, but also appropriate for your friend’s going away to law school party, or your sister’s promotion at work party, or your dog finally stopped shitting in the house party. There’s enough fun(fetti) to go ’round all year round, and I think it’s about time we embrace it.
Some of the fun we’ve enjoyed over the years:
Ok that’s it for now I gotta go clean up the mess I made making impulsive latkes tonight.
As always, please reach out if you would like to take me out on a date. I’m also accepting gifts this holiday season. Bye!!!