The Broke Yolk

Happy Halloween haters! It’s Thursday and rainy and I’m hungover from being a #sportsgirl and watching the Nationals take game 7 and All The Marbles so just bear with me if there are typos in this. We bought 18 $1 bud lights last night!

Anyway, here’s a list of foods I’m scared of:

*Warning* there are some gross photos below – if you have a weak stomach I recommend asking a friend with a raspy voice/sore throat to read this list to you instead.

Stepdad’s leftover pizza – My stepdad Brendan (creator of SPOG) eats leftover pizza cold (which like ok people do this, don’t love it, but I accept) and puts MAYO on TOP of the COLD pizza! I don’t know where this originated or why he does it but it is terrifying. There is always an enormous jar of Hellman’s in my parents’ refrigerator and that scares me too.

Tuna fish in Can – I know this is objectively not scary and is an inexpensive protein but I don’t like the weird fish water and I used to have to open very large cans of tuna at the beginning of my shift at the grocery store (6 am) for the salad bar and I’ve never gotten past it…don’t hate the smell tho which might be the scariest part of all hehe.

Dave & Busters lack of restrain – D&B is great for a lot of different reasons: drinking while playing air hockey, out-of-nowhere date with friend from college who’s in-between girlfriends, and most scary of all, menu offerings that place one meal on top of another. They put full steaks ON TOP OF pasta, chicken tenders ON TOP OF burgers, it’s outta control. I’m scared for the day I have to go on another sad date there and will 100% order the most obscene thing on the menu.

Kev’s Toast – A guy my sister is smooching allegedly makes Ezekiel bread toast, adds avocado and everything bagel seasoning and then adds PEANUT BUTTER AND BANANA TO IT???????? I told him to his face that he should be locked up but he stood by it AND submitted photo evidence to TBY hq. Somebody help men.

Toast that is not toasted (aka white bread) – I’ve never been a fan of raw white bread (our family got Stroehmann) and honestly yea it scares me. Why is it so soggy? I feel like it’s always wet? I’m picturing a PBJ in a fold top sandwich baggie that got smushed by a warm butt and now I need to hide under a weighted blanket for forever.

Vegemite – Scary because it looks like it should taste like Nutella (never actually seen IRL/UCAP, only on TV or Mary Kate and Ashley movies), but I think it actually tastes like rubber cement? Chime in in the comments if you have tasted and can provide some insight here. Is it chocolaty? More like molasses (also what is molasses?)?

Turducken – What kind of frankenstein shit is this???? I can’t even get behind mixing meats in a club sandwich and you want me to eat three birds inceptioned into one weird meat mass? Nope!

Okra – Ok I know okra is a legit food people like and eat but it terrifies me because it looks very inedible and lowkey something that has the power to poison an annoying bf. It’s hairy kinda? Prickly? Do you eat the whole thing or is there a shell/skin you need to remove??? I’ve had it and enjoyed it but it still looks a lil threatening and tbh anything too fibrous scares my weak GI system. Fiddleheads (what a wild vegetable name!) freak me out similarly.

American cheese sticks – These are the unholy equivalent of a mozzarella stick if it was instead made with ORANGE AMERICAN CHEESE. They served these at my school cafeteria and for this reason I will sue and seek damages. Public school kids have it hard enough already with like no funding and not paying teachers and stuff so plz at least give us the part-skim mozzarella we deserve.

Sugar Tomatoes (Ketchup) – Pureed sweet tomato product is terrifying in theory but delicious on french fries! Imagine a ketchup lollipop…<3

Cucumber Sandwiches – See above re: white bread. What are even on these things? I don’t want cucumber and sauce on soggy white bread while I burn my tongue on tea! Why should Cuke Sammies be deemed any classier than Pigs in a B? A slippery cuke is falling out the back when you take a bite and all you taste is wet sauced bread.

Fisherman’s Eggs – I know tiny tinned fish are officially “in” thanks to Hot Foodies like Alison Roman and the BA bitches and my internet friend Chelb, but my friend Abdallah makes them look really scary by eating huge chunks of sardines with fried eggs in his signature dish, “Fisherman’s Eggs.” Upon googling you can learn more about this scary supper on cool websites like, “The Sophisticated Caveman.”

Raw eggs in glass (beverage) – I guess this is just scary egg stuff now. Oh well. How do people survive chugging raw eggs and then exercising or being strong!!!! Or do you chug the eggs after exercising? Idk. Why does it make you better/can we think of a less gross option??? A protein shake perhaps, a green smoothie.

Egg cream – I think this is like a milkshake or a cream soda or something equally as delicious and found in an old time soda shoppe but I don’t know what the egg cream part means or is made of. Is it made of eggs? If so, why? If not, why not?

Flan – Eggy pudding? Eggish jello? The jiggle is CREEPY!

So many more! – There are a million other scary foods out there (uni, pickled herring, coconut juice, bone marrow) but these are the ones worth complaining about when you are sleep deprived and high on the sugar from 4 mini Twix bars.

tHAT LIST WAS DUMB

Hey! Be nice. I’m trying here.

Lots of things are scary but that doesn’t mean we gotta stop living/eating/dreaming. I’m so tired 😦

Until next time my little soft boiled bbys!

-Tori