Donuts: A Dissertation

I’ve never been a big sweet tooth gal.

I’ve been a big tooth gal (hello to my elementary school classmates who called me Buck Toothed Beaver!),

and I’ve been a big sweet gal (I helped an old lady with her groceries once*),

but I’ve never been diagnosed with the Sweet Teeth.

I want french fries for dessert. My caramel MUST be salted.

But donuts changed me. I fell fast and hard, and donuts became My Shit. They were my gateway drug to a world of desserts, and I owe them a million thanks.

tHANK U, NEXT

I came of age in the donut boom of 2013-ish, where National Donut Day was one of the few made up social media holidays that really MEANT something. Every year I’d hit up the Krispy Kreme for a freebie and then head on over to Dunkin and splurge on a medium drink to get the free promotional ‘nut. Times were simpler. People were using InstaSize to boycott the square crop. Everyone was using Valencia. I was eating donuts.

I would pretend they were an appropriate breakfast. Or an appropriate mid-morning snack to break up my shift at the grocery store. Or an appropriate sorta-lunch at 3 pm after my shift at the grocery store, to line my stomach before I started drinking to celebrate a consecutive Wednesday/Thursday off. (I feel like I’ll need to unpack my grocery store trauma at some point but for today it’s all about dnuts bby).

Anyway, there was a time period of 2-7 years where I was deep in donut.

I would eat donuts,

View this post on Instagram

This is me and a crème brûlée donut

A post shared by Tori (@torihyndman) on

dream about donuts,

tweet about donuts,

make lists about presidential candidates as if they were donuts?? (not linking to that one)

But then I stopped.

I hopped off the donut train (it was an Acela and the ticket was non-refundable :/).

I stood on the platform outside the station and was like, “what….am….i….doing??? I can’t abandon the donut sisterhood.”

But I did.

I missed soccer practices and dance recitals (“forgot” to step out during lunch for two National Donut Days in a row).

I committed heinous crimes (cut office donuts in half).

And I felt nothing.

I saw many a donut popsocket I didn’t impulse buy.

coulda been my hand

My sister sold my donut leggings on Poshmark, unworn for years (though still would’ve been nice of you to ask).

wHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

I don’t know if it was an entirely conscious or unconscious uncoupling, but there was a shift.

I felt like as a cultural collective we decided to move past donuts. They had their hot moment just like cupcakes, but then fizzled and went back to their normal, “if it’s there and free I’ll probably eat one” level of admiration, and I followed suit.

At the height of my donut obsession (when I stalked a Krispy Kreme for a school project)** I would’ve laid down my life in pursuit of a perfect yeasty boi.

My two friends Xtine and Liz, the strongest donut champions I know, are out here everyday in cute lil conductor outfits keeping the donut train chugging along. They could’ve used my help. But I got “busy.”

I sought bagels for breakfast. Started cooking eggs (sorry, Blog). Couldn’t justify the trip to Dunkin’ because they fucked up my coffee-to-cream ratio one too many times. But that wasn’t the donuts’ fault. It was my fault. I take responsibility.

mAKING PEACE

Where am I now? Making my way back. Appreciating a good donut when I have one.

My boss brought in a hot duzz the other day and it felt like the old me was back, if only for a few bites.

I have a local favorite (Brown Butter at District Doughnut).

I left my home an hour early to pick up the special donuts before a special meeting last month. I’m trying again (though I think DC just sorta sucks donut-wise so maybe none of this is even my fault???).

Perhaps it’s the beginning of fall and the perfection of an apple cider donut that is making me reflective and nostalgic for the sweets of my youth, perhaps my tastes are changing.

From my days of gluing fallen pretzel bag salt to my fingers with my own saliva, to now, I’ve made huge strides.

I’ll eat both the cake and the icing. I’m enjoying cookies outside of the holidays. I’ve been experimenting with cake decorating. I’ve successfully made a pastry dough…twice!

I’m happy where I’m headed breakfast-dessert wise, never forgetting where I came from.***

aNYWAY HERE’S WHAT I’M EATIN/DRINKIN/TRYIN/BUYIN

  • Baked & Wired cupcakes have long been the locals’ choice over Georgetown Cupake but I will go one step further and say that their cakes are better than Buttercream and Milk Bar for your D.C. birthday needs. You can also now order online!
  • Munchkins/donut holes are underrated nuggets of joy. Eat one, eat 12, who care! Dunkin’s pumpkin ones are a nice seasonal treat.. My cousin’s friend who has a very cute baby tweeted a hot take that chocolate munchkins are bad and I must disagree when there’s powdered and jelly ones still walkin’ around. The glazed ones are worse than the chocolate! They’re always kinda deflated and sad.
  • TJ’s caramelized onion dip we had at a work party the other day. A couple of us finished off the tub in like 5 mins (this is apparently made with sour cream, cream cheese AND mayo!!!! literally the grossest trifecta of White Sauce but whatevs it’s good). The only other onion dip I like is this Slow Roasted Onion Dip I made for our housewarming party and people seemed to enjoy. Prashant loves all onion dip but especially the kind you can buy at 7-11.
  • Tried La Colombe’s pumpkin spice latte, was expecting to hate it but actually enjoyed. Definitely not as sweet as Starbucks but still ~seasonal~
  • This wine we got with pizza at 2 Amy’s – Otto Uve Gragnano– it’s a sparkling red and everything I want for fall before I go heavy red
  • I am the last person on earth to do a free month of ClassPass but here I am – three weeks in, one spin class attended, no others booked.
  • I want to buy danskos but I’m scared they’re ugly!

That’s all for now fam! This post took me a month to write! I love my functioning brain!

-Tori

*please do not fact check this

**last time I checked you can’t watch this on mobile, also it’s super embarrassing so just don’t look this up

***someone please send me to therapy

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