The Broke Yolk

My sweet lil eggshells how you been doin’??? Missed yas.

Today I wanted to take the time and write about something I care deeply about – liquid cheese. Queso, a delicious vehicle for crudités, dairy left sitting on top of the radiator – whatever you want to call it, I’m into it.

I’ll be the first to yuck your yum (like when Hummus eats her mac and cheese with ketchup, posts a pic of it and I reply “EW”) but I really get annoyed when people get “grossed out” by “liquid cheese.” Ummmm it’s great? I don’t care why or how it is in this molten form but I’m happy it is. And you should be too.

iMPORTANT LIQUID CHEESES IN MY LIFE

A Very Nifty Cheese 

The first liquid cheese I remember impacting my life in a positive way was from Nifty Fifty’s (I thought this was national chain but maybe just local???). They had the best fries because they were hand cut(!) and the cheese fries were even better – most likely because the cheese came fresh from the cans that sat above the prep stations on wire racks in the kitchen. I guarantee the tops of some of the cans were dusty.

Every time we’d go to Nifty’s I’d zone out staring into the open kitchen, willing the cooks to HURRY UP and take my crisp-ass chicken nuggets out of the fryer (even as a youth I knew salmonella wasn’t real). I’d take note of the huge cans of Whiz, think, “gross,” and then would devour the lil ‘tato bastards smothered in golden sludge as soon as they (along with my crisp nugs) hit the table.

Nifty Fifty’s also had an arcade and games and it was L.I.T.! They eventually built on a mini golf course in the back and then I think it all burnt down. RIP nitty fittys.

I Don’t “Wait in Line” but I Will Wait in Line for a Cup of this Liquid Dairy Product

Chickie’s and Pete’s is a Philadelphia institution – for better or for worse. The clientele probably decided not to vote in 2016 because “politics doesn’t affect me” and think a Nancy Pelosi is a type of designer bag you can get at Macy’s next to the Michael Kors. Is that too mean? If you are a lifelong patron of Chickie’s and Pete’s and you know who Nancy Pelosi is please Comment! Like! Subscribe! We need more of you in the world.

Anyway, Chickie’s claim to fame are the t-shirts they sell that say “Got Crabs?” but also the thin crinkle-cut crab fries accompanied by a fine liquid cheese sauce. It’s an American/Provolone hybrid (or so I’ve been told) and they give you two cups of it with the basket of fries! Other liquid cheese dispensaries take note – we need more than one measely cup! Be more like C&P!

There’s a bunch of C&P’s across the greater Philadelphia region and they also have stands in the sports stadiums – which is where I find myself saying “I’m not going to wait in that line for 30 mins to just pay $11 for cheese fries” and then I wait in line for 30 mins and pay $13 for cheese fries because I couldn’t refuse an extra $1.50 cup of cheese. 😦

District Taco Should Rebrand as District Queso

My favorite liq chee of late is from District Taco – a lil taco place with a few locations in the DMV. I’ve done extensive R&D and done spent a lotta dollars so I’ve cracked the code for the perfect lunch: 1 taco and a side of queso and chips. You get a sorta ok meal out of the one taco (add some veg so you don’t get scurvy) and then you go wild on the chips, queso and complimentary-ish salsa bar. The queso is silky and stays liquid for a while which probably means it’s very artificial and dangerous but I love to live on the edge.

I Guess This Post is Just about Cheese Fries?

Chrissy Teigen says Shake Shack Postmates well and she is correct. The SS cheese fries not so much because the cheese comes on the side and it isn’t super liquidy by the time your Postmate brings it to your lifeless body. It’s still good though and even better when it’s fresh and on the fries. Still solid cheese saus. Not solid solid. But solid.

Chipotle’s Queso that People Cry About

And not a good cry. I recently tried Chipotle’s queso for the first time because people really scared me with all the “tastes gritty” talk. And my verdict is that it’s totally fine??? Sure maybe I don’t want to necessarily moisturize my dry ass winter skin with it like I do with District Taco’s but it still does the job.

It fills the queso void. It’s cheese and it tastes good on a salty chip. It’s like healthy so shut up about it haters.

sAY CHEESE TO MY FUTURE

These are drinkable cheeses I’m interested in trying in the near future:

• Bon Appetit one that they made look good for the photo but actually prob tastes like orange poo.
• The one I will master someday soon. I missed the #SuperBowl #BigGame but perhaps I’ll whip out a double boiler sometime soon in preparation for next year.
• Taco Bell’s? Do they have queso? They must have something that’s liquid-ish and cheese-ish. Gotta check it out.

OK well that covers it for me and my creepy obsession with runny cheese!

I’m sorry for the eggheads out there who’s lactose or dairy intolerance is too aggressive to risk-it-for-the-biscuit and snort a few pre- or post-cheese Lactaid. You’re in my thoughts.

Love you all!

Merch coming soon! (Jk…but like if there’s interest we can chat)

-Tori