The Broke Yolk

Happy 2019 losers! I love New Years because it’s a time where I can focus on myself for once without being considered “selfish.” It’s also a great checkpoint for #personalgrowth!

This time last year – sad loser without a bedroom.

This time this year – sad loser with a bedroom! and a blog!

Anyway – here’s a fun roundup of my fave and least fave foodstuffs of 2018.

bIG ASS WINS for 2018:

January 14 –  2 Hours 2 Brunch

Everyone knows that Medium Rare is the cheapest bottomless in DC. I think it technically used to be that place in Dupont where you could “buy” a bottle of champagne for $1 with any entrée but they closed and are now a Tulip restaurant? Anyway, we went to MedRare with the intent to get mimosa mad and they were rushing us out the gd door!!! So Jenna ate slower than humanly possible #coldeggs and Lindsay muttered the iconic line below when the server tried to take her plate. Brunch was lame but the memories are forever ❤

February 27 – Choose Your Own Adventure Chick-Fil-A 

When I hopped off the plane in Charlotte, NC for a work trip I did not know I would soon be on sacred ground, bowing at the altar that was the on-campus Johnson & Wales Chick-Fil-A Express.

This express establishment meant I could only pick from a few chicken options, but that did not matter. When it comes to choices at Chick-Fil-A all that matters is the sauce. And sauce they had aplenty. This Chick-Fil-A put out ALL OF THEIR SAUCES AND YOU COULD TAKE AS MANY AS YOU WANTED. My coworker Molly, Queen of Sauce and I did not hold back. I sampled my first Polynesian. I dabbled in Zesty Buffalo just for the hell of it. The nuances of Sweet & Spicy Sriracha tickled my taste buds. I crushed 4 of the classic Chick-Fil-A Sauce without shame. I promptly texted my sister the news and photo evidence. We found love in a hopeless place.

March 3 – Feeding my Wife One. Last. Time.

My wife from my first marriage went to war last year and we got chili cheese stuff before she left. I miss her but she’s living her life on the DMZ and I think her official title is Master Sargeant of Calling the Shots? She also might just play tetris all day but I don’t know. She travels and has 25 boyfriends and is a hottie and I miss her. I love chili cheese fries too. Bravo, Grey Wolf.

May 17 – Chicago Fire Foods 

Ate my weight in Garretts Mix in Chicago and had my first deep-dish! Garretts is my love, my life, and I’m not stoked it’s in DCA now because then what’s the point of going to Chicago??? I need something novel there! Deep dish is ~fine~ but I do not like waiting an hour for my food and it’s SO much cheese – I want more sauce!

I also ate a very delicious nutella and banana croissant as an afternoon snack at a hotel on this trip so put me in The Cut because I Think About This A Lot.

June 14 – Went Public with P3

P3 is a sandwich from the West Wing Cafe (deli) by my office. I believe it directly translates to “Panini #3.” It’s everything I want and need in a sandwich and this is the day I went public with my love and posted a pic of it. I was dragged for the Pure flavor La Croix by a small man but that’s not the point of this story. This is a love story between me and my P3. The menu listing on the wall has a typo, listing the meat as “Baffalo chicken” instead of “Buffalo chicken” and it makes me love it all the more. When she quirky *heart eye emoji* *heart eye emoji* *heart eye emoji*. I’ve converted people to the P3 life. I sing its praises everywhere I go. I had one today.

August 23 – Ate a Lot of peaches

An acclaimed dessert sauce company sent us a lot of peaches at work so I made the dopest dopemeal of all time and some fun things like this peach toast with gorgonzola. Big summer yum.

November or October I have no idea – If you seek (2) Amy

Me and Jenna went to 2 Amy’s on a whim because we remembered it existed. We waited a long time in the crowded bar area and ate the amazing rice balls and pizza and witnessed a weird date and it was just like Old Times.

December 3 – Maydan/Maydamn

IMO the food was well worth the hype. The vegetables were unreal. THE SWEET POTATO. The halloumi. Did I need all 7 of the condiments? No. But the toum was so fucking good. The server told us “not to fill up on the pita” and bitch I’m glad we did.

Later in December – NEIL’S GOOBER PIE

I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS OR HOW HE MAKES IT BUT IT’S SO GOOD. NEIL I LOVE UR GOOBER PIE. The jalapeno popper dip you made was good too but I think we were all a lil gazzy after 😦

bIG BUTT LOSSES:

January idk – Coffee Left Me

Went on a Hinge date to a La Colombe to Put Myself Out There and 30 mins in he stood up and said “I’m headed out” and left. I wasn’t even done my cafe au lait!!! I thought it was a joke but it was not. He did not come back. He wanted to move to Austin to work in tech and I said “cool I might go to South by Southwest this year for work” and he had never heard of SXSW. I’m sure he’s doing well.

March 15 – M*tch McConnell Soiled my Steak Dinner

My aunt and uncle took me out to a beautiful dinner at Acqua al 2 and Mitch McConnell was sitting behind us with some BROAD talking about window installations. My uncle stopped him on his way out and I had to shake his hand and it was dead and cold and he looks SO much like a turtle it’s unreal. Get the blueberry steak tho it’s SO good.

May 11 – Ice Creamed 😦 

I matched with the hot ice cream food truck guy on Bumble but he didn’t answer my message. His ice cream is a lil icy though so wouldn’t have worked out anyway. What is this, Halo Top? Get lost.

May later – Invisible at El Centro

We tried to brunch at El Centro but we were all hung over and they sat us outside and it was so hot and we were invisible. They pretended we weren’t there and were mean to us but we didn’t care because it was so hot and nothing was real. I bought a bed this weekend so that was cool.

June 13 – Hot Compass Coffee Guy Didn’t Fall in Love with Me

Hot barista/manager at Compass Coffee asked me what I did that weekend??? And I told him I did yoga and that I was sore???? And we fell in love??? But he had a girlfriend??? And I never saw him again???? Miss u.

July 9 – Coffee talked at me for 3 hours

Tried again to Put Myself Out There and got coffee with another manchild who talked at me for 3 hours and I thought it went great! I was VERY interested in his past life as an auctioneer or a person who worked as a cashier at an auction place (idk I’m not a great listener). I asked if he wanted to hang out again and he said yea! and then went away forever. I got a black iced coffee and looked COOL. He wore the shirt from Urban with politicians playing beer pong that says “Political Party.” if ur reading this text me ❤

Sept 30 – Was it the Oysters?

Had brunch with Raj and ate some oysters and then could not eat solid foods for 10 days. I had to fly in planes!!! And couldn’t eat Garretts in Chicago!!!! It was awful but if I learned anything it’s that Canada Dry is the supreme ginger ale and all others should back the f down.

Decemberish – Alison Roman Ruined My Life

I had an itch to make those damn Instagram cookies all year and I finally did and it was a terrible pain in the rear and they looked terrible but I guess they were delicious so whatever only half as terrible I guess. Do not attempt if you don’t have a stand mixer.

All in all a solid year with mostly solid foods! Who knows what will happen in 2019. I’m hoping I’ll finally master poached eggs and maybe I’ll get back into quiches. Quiche is underrated!

Until next time my little sous vide egg bites!

-Tori