The Broke Yolk

Hi friends! Happy Monday – hope you all put in the Bare Minimum at work today 🙂

I don’t have a recipe for yas today because I’m at my parents’ house and I am subsisting on Thomas’ english muffins and Chick-Fil-A. I think they still eat “dinner” around here so I might get by without cooking this week.

ANYWAY.

I still wanted to write because I know you crazy kids miss me and want to know what I’m up to at every. waking. moment! Can’t blame ya! She’s funny, smart AND beautiful!

I thought this would be an appropriate time to Sheryl Sanberg and warmly embrace the town where I grew up and where I’m currently chillin’, Feasterville, Pennsylvania.

sOME CONTEXT:

Feasterville is a tiny town (~3000 ppl) that is usually lumped together with another tiny town Trevose (~3500). My license says Feasterville-Trevose and confuses many bouncers and bartenders in DC.

A Few Famous Feastervillians:

• Anthony Fedorov – 4th place American Idol contestant who sang the National Anthem at Opening Day for my softball league. You remember Carrie Underwood, I remember Ant.
• “Runaway Mom” Bonnie Sweeten – love a good “ran away from my life and falsely accused a black man of a crime” story!
• Me one day hehehe (I once wrote in a diary that a goal of mine is to be on my high school wikipedia page under “notable alumni”)

It’s a part of Bucks County which is a large suburb of Philadelphia. Pink and Justin Guarini are from here! M. Night Shyamalan loves it here!

Because this is a “food” “blog” (ugh should’ve just made it “lifestyle” what was I thinking) I’m going to guide you through the hot food spots of Feasterville, PA. Bon Appetit Crush Alex Delany are you paying attention???? THIS IS BIG.

STOP #1 – My Mom’s Kitchen

My mom will make me whatever I want when I’m home. She specializes in deluxe breakfasts (bacon AND homemade home fries???? AND A BLOODY MARY???). I usually opt for a BacEggCheese on an english muffin because that is one of my Favorite Foods of All Time. The woman also butters toast better than anyone in the game. Idk how she does it. If Jag is anything (besides hilarious, savvy and one of my favorite people) it is hospitable. She managed to keep Prashant satiated when he visited and he orders 2 burrito bowls at once soOOO don’t sleep on Jag’s Place.

STOP #2 – Village Pantry

Village Pantry is the place you go to get a pound of Boars Head roast beef, a half-pound of provolone, a frozen styrofoam cup of au jus, and 6 kaiser rolls. You can get a kosher dill pickle too from the barrel. Your mom is idling in the parking lot. The guy who owns the place is the step-dad of some girl your sister was friends with in 7th grade. Or something like that.

The hoagies are overpriced and their hours are like 11 am to 4 pm.

STOP #3 – The Kopper Kettle

Word on the street is that the snapper soup is legit. I am not into eating turtles so I’ve never had it. You can buy 6-packs here (this is important to know in PA where you would otherwise need to go to the beer distributor and buy a whole case). It’s dark and dingy. I got dinner here once and I remember there being coleslaw.  I’m not into coleslaw. I’m more of a vinegar-based slaw kinda gal.  If I were Bon Appetit Crush visiting Feasterville I would come here because it would be part of the Authentic Experience and you could get like one decent Insta out of it.

STOP #4 – Suburban Diner

The Suburban Diner is just that, a suburban diner. It’s not even great as far as diners go. The breakfast is ok, the lunch is slightly better? The french fries are adequate. You MUST ask for the home fries well done otherwise the potatoes are inedible (imo). Once in high school (college? idk) I came with The Twins in search of rye toast (the best of toasts) and they didn’t have any. Rude!

I’ve been to the diner with my parents, I’ve been with my friends, I’ve been with a guy who only ordered a coffee and I got french onion soup. Their baked goods always look gewd but I’ve never tried anything in the case.

You pay up at the front. What a dumb name lol.

STOP #5 – Wings To Go

Wings To Go is a beautiful disaster. It’s in a strip mall next to a geriatric urgent care and used to share a wall with a glow-in-the-dark indoor mini golf course (it closed). You are not allowed to work here if you are over the age of 19. There’s now a parking spot for “Wings To Go customers.”

They have too many sauce choices. I like the classic “hot” and my sister Lindsay likes “mild” which I think just means “butter.” My cousin Rachel has a sophisticated palette and goes for “Bar-B-Cide.” The boneless wings are the pro move here – they’re more like strips and you get your money worth. Tuesdays used to be 1/2 priced boneless and we used to make out like bandits (unsure if promotion still applies). The service has unfortunately gone downhill in the past few years but Lindsay has written several stern reviews so we’ve got it covered.

Allegedly there’s one in DC????????????? Don’t know her.

STOP # 6 Samarkand

Samarkand is a mystery to me and to most of Feasterville. It’s a restaurant? With very good yelp reviews? But it’s also definitely a Russian mob hub and a nightclub you can take your children to on a Tuesday night? Nobody knows for sure. It is spitting distance from the Giant where I worked for a year and half when I was a College Graduate Not Yet Gainfully Employed. The real fans will remember my days as #FruitNinja and #SaladBarBabe. I hated life so much but I know how to cut up a pineapple and wield a large knife SoOOOOO #worthit.

Anyway if you want some authentic Uzbeki cuisine in Feasterville, check it out. And please report back. Actually it would be better if you got a job and reported back after 6 months. I need a mole.

Stop #7 Lenny’s Hot Dogs

Lenny’s Hot Dogs is a place that could’ve been a figment of my adolescent imagination but my sister confirmed that this is in fact a Real Place we frequented as kids. Lindsay, my brother Tommy, my dad and I would trek through my dad’s neighborhood, trespass through a field and magically pop out at Lenny’s. We would get mediocre hot dogs, chips and root beer. I think this is all they sold and we were 100% the only customers for the day.

Lindsay said the guy who owns Lenny’s (perhaps Lenny) would come into Giant (she was the OG Giant Girl) and buy a million Giant-brand hot dog buns and get mad if you didn’t double brown-bag his bunz. Long Live Lenny’s I have no idea how you are in business.

LAST STOP #8 The Buck Hotel

The Buck Hotel aka “The Buck” is a Feasterville landmark. I’m deeply connected to The Buck. It’s where my mom tended bar for a while after moving here. It’s where I got participation trophies for playing softball. It’s where my dad met at least one, possibly two, of his wives.

Food is average to bad. There is a steakhouse and seafood and a bar scene that attracts the 50+ crowd.  Santa Claus shows up each year for brunch. Easter Bunny too. Unclear if it ever actually was a hotel. My mom will know so go ask her.

hONESTLY THAT’S IT…

I was recently swapping stories with someone about hometowns and the casts of characters who haunt the streets of our youth. I thought I didn’t have as much to contribute about the town where I grew up but after more consideration and being back here for 24 hours, I don’t know how I ever doubted this beautiful trash heap of a census-designated place.

Hope you learned something! Hope you respect the weird place where you grew up!

Sorry this was such a long read!! Next time I’ll go back to caps-locking about brussels sprouts for 250 words.

-Tori